(Credit Feature Photo – The Lonely Path)
This is not a feel-good post. This is not the self-pity post either. On the contrary, it seems more like a self-reflection, self-searching one.
I know and I am terribly aware of the mistakes I had done in the past that has taken me where I am today, and put me in such a position. I do regret some of the things I have said and done, but it is the ‘what ifs’ and the things that I did not do that bothers me the most.
Do you often reflect what happened at the end of the day? I do, sometimes. I will cringe and feel remorse over the things I had said wrongly, or lament the things I had not done which are now being carried forward to the next day. I often remind myself that I should not neglect or take myself for granted, or for allowing someone to have power over my feelings.
At times I go to bed thinking I had survived another day and tomorrow is just going to end up being the same. Negative, a pessimist, I know. I can’t help putting reality and perspectives into place when they had occur countless of times in the past, repeating itself. Why, be all fake and optimistic about it when you can be prepared?
I’d like to think I have some value – or at least I have added value to myself in some ways. I value people but often I forget that I should pay more attention to what I want and what I deserve. I’m not brilliant – there are countless of people smarter and do better than I do. Pretty? There are countless of people more beautiful – inside and out. I don’t have it all AT ALL.
I am not beautiful on the inside – I begrudge a lot of people who had wronged me, I resent my life choices. I don’t wish the best for everyone, I wish people deserve what they deserved. Just accept life and move on? I did. I’ve accepted the shitload but I don’t quite think I’ll be able to love it any soon. I am thankful for one thing and that’s being resilient despite it all.
So, I may not be beauty pageant gorgeous, a butt wiggling golfer or a bikini clad pilot, a skinny MILF of 6, or a cleavage showing matsalleh celup, or a famous celebrity that the general public accepts.
I’d like to think I have something despite losing it. I’d like to think, at least apart from all that, I have myself – whole and real.
Thanks for dropping by.