I drank 4 cups of tea after 8pm, in all kinds of form – teh-o, teh tarik, teh ais. We left Pelita with 8 cups between ourselves and I’m very sure I won’t be sleeping early tonight. It’s now 2am…
So I figured it’s time I updated my poor, neglected blog.
It’s OKAY. Something I realised recently as a parent.
Daniel (my son, if you’re new) was down with a fever, cough and flu for the past few days. To be honest, he wasn’t well ALL WEEK and the week before. He’d just only recovered from a diarrhea and right when we fixed that, he had a rash attack (bed bugs) on the second day of Eid, followed by the fever and the bug.
Daniel is in the midst of his terrible twos and I can’t say it’s terrific at all. With the hustle and bustle of Eid accompanied by too many (loud) adults, everyone’s temper is running high, ESPECIALLY for a two year old. The obvious reason are – toddlers often scream for three main things: hunger, tiredness, cuddling. Eid (or any festivals for that matter) usually meant one of these need is neglected. Hence, a major, huge, out-of-control meltdown.
While mom was around the week before Eid, when Daniel was fart=pooping, this time around I had to deal with the full brunt of his temper and sickness. So-not-fun when you’re doing it all alone.
At some point when he was just throwing a tantrum and whining and screaming, scratching and trying to bite off a chunk of my flesh; when cuddling and soothing was NO LONGER WORKING, you just wish you could pelepuk him sikit (which most of the time I DO I SWEAR…) and scream and yellllllllllll at him to just s.h.u.t i.t.
Scenario: “I’m tired, smelly, hungry, full of puke and I need a shower too! You just puked on me for the millionth time, after I just changed your baju for the hundredth time and you can’t stop crying – OF COZ LAH YOU KEEP VOMITING!” says Mom.
You know what I mean. When you have an outburst yourself because you’re tired, stressed and uncomfortable too.
And it’s one of those times when you’re just so overwhelmed because you not only have a sick toddler, you have the house and the needs of an overgrown baby (and an online business and Instagram page) to pay attention to.
I know what it’s like.
It’s one of those moments where it was just so-damn-hard to breastfeed your baby and everyone judges you for feeding your child formula. I may not be in the same situation as you but I induced breastfeeding for my beloved adopted son, and even I was judged for supplementing with formula.
I know what it’s like.
Or when you give in to Youtube (educational) videos because you just want to rant and bitch and enjoy your mee goreng mamak for once. (PS: Doctor pakar mata advice no screen smaller than an iPad so maybe Daniel (mommy) will get an iPad sooooooooooon!)
I know how you feel.
And I know how we often think we’re bad moms. Like shit moms. Like bloody selfish moms. I know how we often beat ourselves up. When we promised we won’t ever yell and will be one of those ‘positive parenting’ parents. We read all this stuff on how to bring up our kids differently but we somehow always end up reverting to the ways of our parents one way or another – despite swearing never to adopt the same methods.
I know how you feel. The guilt when you finally have that day out to get ur hair/nails/gossip done but at every opportunity would hurriedly check on your child at home. Tip: bawak je sekali.
I yell at Daniel when he’s just whining or being dramatic. Because I know he is – at this point I’ve learned to recognise his ‘pretend exaggerated’ tears. And I yell because it breaks him out of that trance and immediately he cools down following a lot of cuddles and apologising for yelling. Cannot tipu me already.
I know how it feels. I know it’s hard.
Just don’t give a shit about what other people think.
You’re not alone. ❤