What is it like being divorced after I was married for nearly 8 years, you ask?
I’m still trying to get use to it. Eight years of being with someone is a long time of habits and developing comfort zones. Suddenly breaking out of that mould and being ridden with all sorts of responsibilities and things to do can be quite overwhelming.
For now it may seem like I’m totally winging single parenting as you are all seeing on Instagram, but truly I am in fact struggling. Does it look like it? Maybe.
So here are points on what it’s like being divorced after being married for nearly 8 years.
1. Its tough.
Of course it would be! I was practically living comfortably for that long without having to care much about anything at all. All of a sudden out of the blue I don’t only have to care for myself but for my son; I now have to think about paying rent, putting food on the table, planning work around school and at the same time trying to find time for myself to keep sane! It’s pretty overwhelming! Which brings me to my next point.
2. I am happier.
I was probably unhappy for quite some time. Life has been pretty much a roller coaster – with bits of happiness here and there. It wasn’t all that bad, of course. There were some happy times too. But right now, I feel carefree and more in control of myself.
3. I feel free.
I think this was one of the best feelings ever! I knew I was never going to make him happy. It was tiring. I was so relieved and I felt as if the weight just left my shoulders. No more of all those tiresome emotions. It has ended.
4. I am uncertain about the future.
There is a lot of uncertainty for sure. Will I be an adequate mom? Will I be able to sustain us? Provide for us? Will my business ever be enough? Will I ever find a man again? Will he want me now that I have a son? What if I never get married again? Will I ever have kids again?And you know how women think too much! Eventually it all balls down to what I wanted for myself. Would I rather stay unhappy or live life to the fullest and embrace all that uncertainty when it comes?
5. I no longer have to anticipate outcomes.
I used to be really on edge. I wasn’t exactly the obedient wife! I used to anticipate what would happen or how he would react every time and I was often on edge, or having anxiety if I was going to trigger him again for whatever reason.
6. It takes time to forget.
Obviously seven over years is a lot of memories. It would be hard or nearly impossible to even forget everything. But you will get over it. And you accept that not everything will be forgotten. Some memories would linger and sometimes, it will be triggered again. But most importantly, one must let go of the past. If you don’t and only think about the what ifs and what could have happened, you will regret your mistakes and life choices for a long time to come and this could mean trouble in your next relationship.
6. I HATE PEOPLE
This was really the hardest part about it too. People are just shit sometimes. They pretend they care but truly they don’t. But you know what? They don’t matter. No one else matters. Only the ones who picked you up and were there for you. So thank you my friends and family who have been very understanding and supportive.
7. I try to accept.
I believe very strongly in this and I think this is the foundation of why I am taking it with grace and faith. I believe it’s all God’s plan. And who are we to question? To lament, be bitter and angry with God is only a defiance of the Pillar of Iman – Qadha & Qadar: Decree & Destiny. I may not be a pious Muslim, but taking a step in accepting His plans with less resistance instead of trying to take everything into my own hands was liberating.
I wasn’t ideal or perfect either and I’m sure he has a lot to say about how lack of a person or wife I was too. I always felt that I wasn’t the adequate stepmom, or the perfect daughter in law.
Manusia sentiasa berdosa. Sentiasa tak perfect. Wallahualam.