Let’s talk about dates. Wow. Would you believe this? This is actually the SECOND time I am writing such a post, the last being 2010! The last time I actually had to write down how I felt about dating, was actually the last time I actually dated anyone, solid. I got married after that!
Before I get deeper into the topic, writing has always been solace for me. It was for many years. I started perhaps when I was about 17. And sometime in college I came up with a blog, which I loved so much. Unfortunately, I deleted it. My blogs were always where I wrote about life experience, my inner deepest feelings and just about anything I felt under the sky. But it was always unacceptable and I deleted it eventually.
I realised, not everyone is so accepting about the opinions of others, especially if it is relatable or the truth.
Anyway, on to dating! The last time I wrote on this topic, I was in the beginning of getting to know a complete gentleman (let’s call him Jay). About couple of weeks after that I met my ex.
I, being the asshole honest unapologetic self, was honest that I was getting to know both of them at the same time. Unfortunately, Jay decided that he was going to ‘step back’ as he felt that one should not be dating two men at the same time. It felt like an affair he said.
And that resulted in my blog post in 2010.
That year, I realised what I understood as a date, meant something completely different to someone else.
Dating to me was getting to know a person I was potentially attracted to or interested in a little better. Dating to me was finding out if we were compatible as a couple for the future. Dating to me wasn’t about people getting in my knickers, or kawan-kawan friendly time together. Dating to me was step 1 in knowing if I want to let this person closer in my life, know my inner deepest feelings or if he can hold my hand or get touchy-feely.
HAHAHAHA. Yes. I find it a total infringement of personal space when someone touches me without permission. Once, the fella at the saloon pointed out my hair needed some work (while I was paying for Daniel’s haircut) by touching my hair. I swore I held my breath for a second there and my brain issued a warning: “Get your hands off me!”. I think this was something I developed after marriage. I was very uncomfortable about having skin contact with anyone else besides my spouse or family.
Ok. Back to this. According to Jay, he believes that one should date one person at a point of time. From my Instagram poll yesterday, 53% of my voters said they would date more than one person at a time. The rest felt that you should only date one. I know it may sound entire shitty to you, but that’s what dating actually IS. Dating isn’t intimate or saved for the special someone. Dating isn’t special. It is only you getting to know the other person a little bit better before letting them into your lives. It shouldn’t even be that serious!
Perhaps dating to Jay was an intimate affair. I agree, that if you are attached to someone, as a boyfriend and girlfriend, dating someone else is completely out of the question. So is being married – wanting to get to know someone else should not even be on a person’s mind! But if you are a single adult, it shouldn’t even be a violation of decency. Everyone should be allowed to date anyone they like because there isn’t anything special about it – unless if one is attached.
That’s what dating is to me. Meeting up with friends, casually, over food etc is not dating in my dictionary, unless stated otherwise. Spending time with the opposite sex ISN’T a date unless the both of you understood it to be.
Eighty one (81%!) percent of my voters agreed yesterday that one should be nervous on their first dates. I believe so too. For me, the feeling stems entirely from the fact that this person who just asked you out might be showing the same interest in you as well. And that is super amazing! If you don’t feel excited whatsoever, then really, why are you even on a date in the first place?!
Perhaps you’ve known each other for years. And you’ve spent so much time together you basically know how to finish each other’s sentences. Even so, moving from friend zone to the dating scene should grow some butterflies in your tummy anyways, and it should be something the both of you are consciously doing if on a date. Spending time together might not even be a date!
Because dating is all about the conscious effort you put both yourselves through. The classic gesture of him coming to pick you up and taking you out for a nice dinner, or simply doing something fun together. How both of you would watch your table manners or keeping conversations brief and in the safe zone, dress well or try to impress.
Dating someone shouldn’t be an indication that you are romantically attached to a person OR in a committed relationship with someone. My voters strongly agreed (90+ % for both) on this point as well. It is just the act of getting to know someone with zero intentions (or expecting something in return) and it does not indicate that you are committed to one person alone – UNLESS you both are a couple boyfriend/girlfriend.
Yesterday’s post on Instagram Story received a lot of good points. Here are some of the replies:
- I look for subtle signs in my date. Like if he is nice or can keep an interesting conversation going.
- Nowadays, some men only see us wanting dates as free sex!
- Dates are two way communication. You can ask and get answers based on how he or she answers them.
- Dating is like a box of chocolates. Never knowing what you will get!
- Look at how he eats! Kecah or not? If yes, reject!
- Dating is about getting to know each other more.
- First, second or any date before declaring serious, is just a coffee session.
- I thought we were just friends until he took me on a holiday to meet my parents!
- Unless you can be sure that certain feelings are mutual, no one should leave with expectations.
- Dating is like window shopping. You like em, you pick em. Not interested, friend zoned.
- 1st impressions are important!
- Have fun, expect nothing but don’t compromise yourself.
- If a man wants to seriously date a woman, they should ask for her parent’s permission.
- At my age, I will go out on a date if he has the chance to marry. If not, malas nak buang masa.
- Never reveal personal things coz you can never trust him before getting to know him!
- Get to know each other. Look at his teeth, nails and table manners. If ok, go on a second date.
- It is fine to get to know people. I prefer to start as friends and if they match, then ok.
- Double checking if what they present through text/calls are what they actually are in person.
- It’s supposed to allow you to be who you are and not fake it.
- I don’t like it when they ask me to go out for movies for first dates. Confirm malas nak keluar!
- Will not give as much effort. If they like you simple and direct, they will like you anyway down the road.
- My male colleagues openly offer to be fuck buddies – how open Malaysian nowadays.
- To know if he’s stingy or calculative or ego. To do my homework.
- Just to get to know people with zero intention or anything.
- Tempoh berkenalan and nak tengok orang tu jujur ke tak dengan kita.
Ultimate, whatever it is, dates are supposed to be completely innocent, brief and safe from intentions. You should still be excited about the possibilities of getting to know someone more personally but at the same time not completely expecting the both of you would be compatible or that he would have the same interest in you. It should be comfortable, fun and engaging. It could lead to a second date, it could lead to sex whatever works for you. Just know that first dates shouldn’t indicate you are attached to someone or committed in getting to know someone in the singular prospect. Date anyone, or how many you want but keep it short and sweet until you are both ready to be in a serious relationship together.
Or so that’s what I think. What do you think? Let me know below by leaving a comment below.